Identity Management

Identity management is something I think we all engage in whether we like it or not. We are all affected by the image we portray whether we say we don't care what other people think or not. I think I engage in identity management because I am willing to spend a lot of time getting ready in the morning or am willing to spend a lot of money on designer jeans. Our culture is so enfatuated with identity management it is slightly ridiculous, but I engage in it all the same.

I could go into Target and get cheap make-up and clothes. However, I choose to buy $100 Nike shoes and $150 Buckle jeans simply because of the logo. Some of the products I buy are higher quality, but not all of them. I am willing to spend a lot of money on uncomfortable stilletos, even though I will probably only wear them once. However, the image they portray is valued enough to me to spend that amount of money on them.

The same goes for logos. Although a shirt that I buy is expensive and impractical, I am willing to spend a lot of money on it. It might be the same exact shirt as one at Target, but because it has a Polo logo on it, people are willing to shell out an extra hundred dollars to own it. I notice this especially in my Dad. Granted he has the money to spend on it, it seems completely unneccessary to me to spend so much money on things when it could go to better use. This just demonstrates our cultures enfatuation with identity management and trying to portray an image of higher status.

Intercultural competence

This was an important issue in our text, and although we talked about it earlier in the semester I wanted to touch on it again. Intercultural competence is hard to attain because people share so many differences culturally. People have different norms, languages, and rules that they live by. Things are socially accepted differently in different cultures which makes being a competent communicator with someone say in India so difficult. We have a hard enought time communicating competently with people from our own culture that throwing in a whole different set or norms and ideas makes things even more difficult.

To help be a more competent communicator cross-culturally, we could be less judgemental. Although we are all going to judge people regardless because it is human nature, we can make points to not act on our judgements. By not taking our judgements to heart and treating everyone equally, we could make a difference in the way in which we all communicate cross-culturally. We also need to be open to new ideas. Just because an idea is different than what we are used to does not mean that we have to assume it is bad or wrong. By bashing another person's cultural beliefs, we could never fully competently communicate with them.

Stage Hogs

When I was reading about stage hogs in the text, it made me think of so many people I know. At Carbones sometimes when it is quiet, the servers are just standing around chatting. I feel like ninety nine percent of the time the conversation gets centered around one specific server that's standing there. She's always directing the conversation towards her and trying to be the center of attention. If I say something about myself, she will always try and say something related about herself. It gets really annoying an not many people enjoy talking with her because she is so annoying and dramatic. She has no compassion for anyone else and only wants to talk about herself.

I feel like I am a stage hog in some instances. Sometimes I want to talk about myself, so I will try and direct the conversation towards something about me or that happened to me. I often notice when I am "stage hogging" and will do something to stop it or ask someone else a question. I feel like I am being rude and inconsiderate and it is something I maybe need to work on. It is selfish and makes me a poor communicator.

Competent Communicators I know

I use to work at a bar/restaraunt in Apple Valley called Grizzly's. We had many day-to-day regulars, and as servers developed a close relationship with them. There is a woman named Linda who comes in regularly, and I believe she posesses the skills of a competent communicator. She is a middle school teacher and has a lot of compassion for the children she teaches. She is always very nice, and depending on who's she's talking to, she can carry a variety of possibly behaviors (adaptability). She always acts interested in my life and cares about me. She is always very fair and has the ability to lighten the mood by knowing just what to say at the right time. She is sort of Grizzlys' own little counselor and everyone loves her. She is able to get along with and communicate with all of the staff. Sometimes she doesn't even have to say a lot, but she is always a great listener. She knows just what to do and just what to say to get along with all of us. I think truely competenet communicators are hard to find. I always feel like people aren't really listening to me or intersted in the things that I have to say. I also feel like a lot of times people are stage hogs and try and get the conversation back to them so they can be the center of attention.

I also wanted to point out someone else that I do not have a personal relationship with, but who I can tell from media and interviews is a very competent communicator. I believe Barack Obama would be a very competent communictor. I have seen him communicate in interviews one on one and have read his book and he really cares about his family. He has great compassion and knowledge that I believe would make him a great person to communicate with.

My Interpersonal Communcation Group

I just wanted to reflect on my interpersonal communication discussion group a little bit. For the most part, my group was pretty helpful and good about deadlines. For the most part, we were getting our group postings in on time and meeting the deadlines. We got better about dicussing the questions as the semester went on. In the beginning of the semester, we would all just post one thought on the topic and be done with it. When we saw what this was doing to our grades, we all started to take a little more initiative and ask questions and respond. This increased our grade dramatically as well as gave us a better understanding of what was going on in the class.

Some of our group members, however, chose not to contribute at all. I'm not going to say any names, I'm sure everyone knows who I am talking about. I also wanted to thank Heidi Allen for all of her hard work in our group. She was always willing to post to the all-class discussion board and was also always willing to combine our group answers for our group paper. This was very helpful because we were all on different schedules and to have someone step up and sort of be the leader for our group was very helpful. She was also very intuitive and helpful to our group posts and kept the dicussion going.

End of the Semester!

I am so excited that this is the end of the semester. Although this post doesn't have a lot do with our class, I need to write it as this blog has become a place I share many things! I am pretty stressed out with school lately and noticed that I procrastinated slightly more than usual this semester. I usually procrastinate a lot, but like tonight I find myself sitting at work trying to get the last of my blog entries in before 11:59 P.M.! Way to go Kayla. This semester I was especially busy, however. I was working three jobs for a while. I was working nights at Carbones and Grizzly's as a server. I was serving seven nights a week, which is a lot in itself. This was a lot of work and I was always exhuasted. I was also working days from 9:00-4:00 at my Dad's trailer dealership four days a week. This was always hard after a long night of serving. And I was trying to find time for school full time! My life was completely hectic and I always found myself crying and trying to catch up because I was a straight A student and not going to let anything slow me down.

Now I am only working at Carbones and my dad's dealership. It's still four days a week and five nights a week, but it at least give me two nights a week off. I am a little less stressed and extremnely excited for summer to come so that I might have a little free time!

Certainty Vs. Provisionalism

I thought certainty vs. provisionalism was a very interesting concept addressed in the text. This was discussed when talking about Gibb's behaviors. Often times, I find people who are "certain" that they are always right. They are unwilling to back down and always think they are correct. It specifically reminds me of a girl I work with at Carbones. She is only a host and does not even serve, however, she feels she has the right to tell the servers what to do and even talks back to the managers occassionally. Honestly, I am surprised she even still has a job. She is always bad mouthing poeple and acting like she knows everything. This has many consequences for her at work. Not many people like her and nobody trusts her.

I believe I relate more closely with provisionalism. I usually think I am right, but am willing to admit when I am wrong. If someone comes up to me with an alternative theory or a better solution, I am willing to listen and give it a shot. I need my fair share of good evidence, however, and am not going to give them credit if their idea is bad. I think I am pretty open-minded and willing to accept people's ideas and change my own if their's are better.

Intimacy

Me any my boyfriend share a very intimate relationship. We share important information and feelings, which is an emotional guideline of intimacy. We also engage in intellectual sharing. We exchange important ideas that bring us closer each and every day. We also share physical intimacy along with shared activities. We do everything with each other, from going on runs to living together to visiting each other at work. We are always together in our free time and when we are not together we always call each other. We are very close and share everything with each other.

Although we are very intimate, we also have our distance. We have our seperate friends and our seperate family and spend time apart as well as together. We have different hobbies and past times because we both agree that although we love each other and love spending time with each other, we each need our seperate lives as well. I think distance is very important in our relationship because being apart also makes us realize how much we like being together. After a day apart we come together more intimate than ever, excited to share news about our lives and the time we spent apart.

Cultural Incompetence

I think intercultural competence is not achieved in all situations because people are (1) often set in their ways and unwilling to accept other poeple's differences. Some people are not willing to take the time to get to know things that are different than what they are used to, whether it be because they are old or simply ignorant. (2) There are many stereotypes relating to race, color, culture, ect. It is very easy to judge and stereotype people when we have grown up with it all around us. I think this has a lot to do with culturally incompetent situations because people already have these prepositions about each other without actually meeting one another. (3) People are ehtnocentrists. Their way of doing things is right and other cultures are wrong. Many people are not going to accept or give credit to beliefs they think are wrong, often resulting in cultural incompetence.
In order to achieve cultural competence, I think we could start by (1) Getting to know people. We all judge people whether we like it or not (it is human nature), but give everyone a chance. Don't have strong judgments that are going to prevent you from taking the incentive to talk to someone, just because they are different than yourself. (2) I think we should all be knowledgeable of other cultures. Do some reading, talk to people, etc. There are so many other cultures out there and so many different cultures in America, it is important for us not to be ignorant and give other people proper credit for their beliefs. And, other cultures are interesting! It's fun to read about other peoples cultures, especially if they are very different from your own. It sheds new light and different perspectives. (3) Be able to successfully communicate with people from different cultures. I'm not saying learn to speak 10 different languages, but try to effectively talk to people of other cultures by being open and respectful.

Bad Night at Carbones

Yesterday was a terrible form of communication at Carbones. One of the servers working was kind of new and not very good at her job yet. We got kind of busy because it was Mother's Day and everyone had a fair amount of tables. We all have sections on Sundays and when it gets busy the hosts don't tell you when they seat a new table because you should be aware of it as a server because their will be new people in your section. Kirsten was the new girl and they sat her in her section but she claims she didn't see the table get sat. It ended up that the table actually left because they didn't get a server for so long. This looks very bad on Carbones part and I was embarrassed. There was no communication between the hosts and the server and she couldn't handle the amount of tables she had at that time, and therefore couldn't take care of a new one.

If I ever feel overwhelmed at work, I am always willing to ask for help. This is the only way that you can be sure you are accurately doing your job and that everyone gets taken care of. It doesn't mean that you are a bad server if you ask for help. If anything you are a better one because you are willing to recognize when you can't take anymore and willing to give everyone good service because you know you can't provide it all by yourself.

Communication at Carbones

I work at Carbones in Lakeville and communicating with people is my job. I am always talking to people and communicating with them in order to successfully do my job. I have to take orders and communicate what they want to the kitchen and to the bar in order to get them what they want. Most of the time when I work I don't write any orders down. I usually just memorize whatever they say and a lot of times that is a lot of orders to remember. I usually don't write things down until the party is eight poeple or bigger. If I don't write things down, I have to make sure that I remember all of their toppings and drink orders. If I screw up, then I don't get a good tip and I don't make the money I should. I always repeat the order after the person says it just to make sure I got everything write.

My job at Carbones has definately helped me become a more competent communicator and I love it. When I first started, I was kind of nervous speaking in front of people, but now that I have worked their for a while I am much more comfortable and willing to speak in front of people. It has been a great job for me and helped me become more outgoing and willing to communicate with people effectively.

An early scene in the film provides a great example of both of their personalities and the conflict brewing between them. Captain Ramsey chooses to initiate a drill which turns dangerous. There is a fire in the galley and Lieutenant Commander Hunter has to fight it. One man looses his life, although it is not due to the drill, or so they say. After the drill, Hunter and Ramsey share a confrontation. Ramsey takes Hunter back into his office to discuss the events. Hunter disagrees with the choice to run the drill, although Ramsey strongly disagrees with him, explaining, “Confusion on the ship is nothing to fear, it should be taken advantage of.” He later goes on to explain to Hunter that “I don’t have any problems with questions or doubts. You got something to say to me, you say it in private ‘n if privacy does not permit itself, you bit your f’n tongue.”
I thought this was a turning point in their relationship. We start to notice some of their conflict rituals and how they respond to each other. We start to notice that Ramsey is going to be very confrontational while Hunter is more reserved. Ramsey’s conflict style is competing. He is not looking to accommodate or back down by any means. He wants to win regardless of the consequences and is not concerned about the effects on his and Hunter’s relationship. The conflict between these two men exists and both are aware of it, holding true to our text. It also occurs because there is not enough power to go around, they both share a strong dependence on one another, and they both feel as if the other is preventing them from reaching their goals. All of these are existent and important concepts from our text and relate strongly to the conflict illustrated here between Hunter and Ramsey.

Family Ties

My dad has a little problem and has been married three different times, not including his 2 year long engagement with my mother. I love him to death, but growing up, it has been slightly difficult with all of his different women and my different step mothers. For the most part, I got along really well with everyone and didn't have any issues. His current wife, Tammy, is a different story. It's not that I don't get along with her, but we do not have a close relationship by any means. They have been married for about two and a half years, so I was seventeen when they got married. I know it would be difficult for her to try and build a relationship with my because I am not a child anymore, but Tammy makes no attempts.
Tammy works at my dad's dealership but she only comes in occassionally. When she does come in, she never says bye when she leaves. She never says hello when she comes in. She doesn't ever talk to me or to try to make an effort and she only talks bad about my dad. I wonder if she is jealous about my relationship with my dad? It makes me nervous that maybe Tammy is in the marriage for all the wrong reasons. My dad just turned sixty four and has heart problems. Tammy is nearly twenty years younger than him and no longer has to work that much. She can go to the barn and ride her horses and my dad will support her fully.
I don't want to sound like I am complaining, and I don't need Tammy in my life. However, if she is such an important part of my dad's life and doesn't have any kids herself, I would think she would want to try and build a relationship with me. She doesn't try to communicate with me at all and is very stand-offish.

Defensiveness At Work

During the day, I work for a truck and trailer dealership. I do all the title work and have become very good at it, or at least I think so. We have multiple loans with different banks and we exchange the titles out for money. When we sell the trailers, we have to pay down the loans in order to get the titles. It can be a difficult and time consuming process and it is often hard to get the titles from the bank during current economic hardships. Our company has a lot of overhead and in order to make ends meet we sometimes have to wait a while after the sale of a trailer in order to get the title paid down because we might not have the money to pay for it at that time.

This makes my job extremely difficult because people are often calling me and yelling at me wondering where their titles are. I often have to make things up about where their titles are and when they can be expecting to get them. This makes me feel really bad and puts me in a bad spot. I can get very defensive because it is not my fault that people do not have their titles on time. I do anything within my power to make sure people have their titles so when they blame me for it I can get defensive because its not my fault.

I do not want people to think I am doing a bad job at work and I want them to know I am working hard so its hard because people not having their titles is a direct effect on me. This is very hard to deal with and I would love to refer angry calls to the owner, but clearly I have to take the blame for it because it is part of my job description.

Conflict Rituals

  I notice that one of the conflict rituals I most actively engage in is one with my boyfriend.  We have been together for about two and half years and now live together.  This has created new conflict rituals for us because our lives are much different.  We do not have the alone time that we used to and do not have secrets.  We know everything about each other now and it was a huge step.

The most common conflict ritual that I find myself engaging in now is that I choose not to say anything when I am upset.  I can be a very crabby, emotional person (unfortunately) and I understand that this is how I am.  I am willing to change it, but there are some days that I just wake up crabby and there is nothing I can do to put myself in a better mood.  When I get in my "moods" or conflict arises between me and my boyfriend, I usually just stay quiet and do not say anything.  I don't say anything and then the conflict just swells inside of me and becomes worse and worse.  By the time he actually understands that I am upset, I am extremely upset and things becomes a lot worse.  If I would express myself in the beginning, then we could talk about the conflict right away and try to work things out.  This would make things a lot easier on our relationship and prevent negative feelings.  I know this is a conflict ritual that I should change.  My boyfriend is a very laid back, caring guy that is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy.  If I would just tell him how I feel right away, then we could talk things out and make things better.  

Conflict

Recently, our group was talking about conflict.  Most of our group members that took the conflict inventory had compromise be their most used.  This was one of my most used conflict styles and I definately agree.  I often think that this conflict syle suits me because I don't like to look for conflict and I want to be compromising.  This way, each party gets a little bit of what they want and you can come to a mutual agreement.  

I had a tie for my most used conflict style, however, and along with compromising my other conflict style was competition.  This was interesting to me and now that I think about it, it does suit me in some ways.  I am often unwilling to give in and when conflict arises, I usually believe I am in the right and am unwilling to give in.  I am competitive by nature, and when I am involved in conflict, I often want to "win", even though I may believe I am in the wrong and understand that I am in the wrong.  This can definately make already conflicting situations worse.  If I am fighting with someone and they know I am wrong and I know I am wrong but am in a mood that is unwilling to let myself give in, then the conflict is very difficult to resolve.  This is where competition can be negative.  In situations like this, if I was more willing to be compromising, then we would both get a little bit of what we wanted and the conflict would be much easier to resolve.

Communication in Interpersonal Communication

I want to comment on how throughout the semester it seems like my group is doing less and less. Thank goodness for Hiedi or I don't think anything would get done. Recently on our discussion posts, me and her have been the only ones really engaging in any sort of the discussion. It proves really difficult to have a discussion and post a response to the group posting when only two people are in the conversation. I haven't been doing great by any means either. I posted a little late last week, although I still posted, and I also asked a few questions and tried to promote a little discussion. I think because it is towards the end of the semester people in my group are slacking a little bit, even though now is the time we need to be doing our best! Our group has struggled all along with the group postings so we need to get our grades up and discussion posts are super easy points.

I'm also nervous because we are starting our final group project and I want it to be a success. We did really well on the last group project, but everyone seemed a lot more engaged and we all worked together. We have had sort of a lack of communication (ironically) on this project and I don't feel like some of our group members even realize what the project is about or that it even exists. Hopefully we will all start logging on more frequently so we are aware and participating. Now is not a good time to start slacking because we are so close to completing the course. I have to keep reminding myself of this as well! Sorry I just wanted to vent a little and also say a big thank you to Hiedi for being a great group member and always engaging in the dicussions!

Communication in Twilight...

I am currently reading the best selling novel Twilight and am completely obsessed with it! I feel like a little girl reading it, since it is initially intended for teenage girls, but after finding out that all of my friends are reading it too, I feel a little better. While taking this course and reading that book at the same time, I have been greatly preoccupied with the communication in the novel, especially our section regarding non-verbal communication. In this novel, Bella and Edward, the two main characters, do not talk much, but are deeply in love. Their level of non-verbal communication is huge. In the beginning, Bella thinks Edward hates her because he tenses up when she is around and his eyes change colors, from light to dark, indicating hatred, or so she thinks. In reality, Edward knows there is something different about her and actually is trying to stay away from her so they don't fall in love. It is funny how misinterpreted he initially was, when in actuality, something completely different was going on.
Edward can communicate a lot with his eyes because they tell you what kind of mood he is in. This way, him and Bella don't always have to talk, he can communicate with his eyes. Bella also chooses not to tell her father about her boyfriend, avoiding communication. Her and her father don't talk much, they have a mutual understanding of each other and Bella does not want to complicate things. The non-verbal communication in their relationship is also important, as they live together but don't say much, yet at the same time are constantly communicating and exchanging messages. I am intrigued at how well the author examines the non verbal communication that takes place in this novel and displays it to readers.

Non Verbal Communication Project

For our groups non-verbal communication project we chose sitting too close to someone at lunch. This was a pretty interesting topic, and harder than it sounded to carry out. In order to do this experiment, I had to violate a non-verbal social communication norm I had followed my entire life. I don't sit really close to a random co-worker when eating dinner because people like their personal space and I don't want to "pop anyone's bubble" so to speak.
I work at a trailer dealership during the day and chose to do my experiment there. We have a small lunch room and a small table, adequate for a person on each side of the square table. I decided to use Tim as my victim, a middle-aged married, very nice man. While he was eating his subway, I took my chair and slid it close to him, on the same side of the table where two people obviously did not fit. He looked up from his sandwhich a little awkwardly, but did not say anything. He then slid his chair over slightly, trying to make more room for me and leaning away. I was definately creating a more intimate or personal space rather than a social space as described in our text. Tim never said anything, but judging his body language he was clearly uncomfortable.
I also work in a restaraunt at night and did some smaller, less obvious experiments there. I work Monday nights and they are always very slow and boring. The dining room stays pretty empty and customers usually choose tables farther away from each other in order to gain some distance from others and more privacy. I tried seating customers at tables right next to each other, but nearly everytime they would request to be moved somewhere else, somewhere more "private" or where they wouldn't be able to hear other people's conversations or be too close. We don't always realize it, but our non-verbal communication is a huge part of our lives.

Emotions

This weeks discussion involves evaluating how we express our emotions. I noticed that I am pretty good about expressing my emotions. I have learned that it is important to express your emotions and let others know how you feel or it can result in unhappiness for both parties. Growing up, my parents were seperated when I was about six years old. Throughout their time together, they became unhappy with each other, bottling up their anger and only intensifying the grief of the situation. If they would have been honest with each other and shared their emotions openly in the first place, it could have saved them both grief and precious moments of their lives. This was a very important event in my life because it not only changed the way I grew up, but it helped form how express my emotions as a person. Instead of being like them, I learned not to be like them. Being honest and expressing your emotions openly is important in developing strong, healthy relationships with not only others but yourself.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 2 years, and before him I had never been in any serious relationships. When we first started dating, it was really easy for me to express my emotions and let him now how I was feeling. Because I had never had a serious relationship, I never had the chance to get hurt by one, and therefore didn't have any fear of getting hurt if I did express my emotions. I have noticed from friends and family experiences that those who do open up and in the end are hurt by it are more likely to keep their emotions behind close doors in future relationships. Their become vulnerable and scared and often deter sharing their emotions.

Thank you Melissa Landin

Due to the lack of customer communication in this course and the fact that I feel severely behind, I did not even know this was one of our assignments for this course and this is my first blog. I'm feel so behind! I have been keeping up with the online group discussions and such, and was not even aware that this was an assignment because for some reason my computer did not let me view it. I am excited to have a new instuctor for this course and surely will give it my all to stay caught up and excel in this course. I find it extremely ironic that we are taking an interpersonal communication course and have had no true communication from the instructor. Things can only get better from here on out. Thank you Melissa Landin for taking on this course and am looking forward to a great second half of the semester. I have a lot of work to do, though! Hopefully my starting this late blogging in the semester will not be an issue.